Guardians of the Glacier and other stories

I started this blog with the hope of updating regularly. did not happen. I just looked and my last post was in June 2009. Not that there has been nothing to write about, but didn't feel up to it.
I got a promotion. Not at my work place but at home. I'm a dad now. scary and exciting at the same time. We've got a little baby girl to take care of now. She is almost 2 months old. But it looks like she will take care of herself pretty much.
My In-laws are here. I'm off the hook until they leave, in a couple of months. But at the same time it would be nice to be alone as a nuclear family(?) after they leave just relax and unwind. Meanwhile I have to repeatedly think about ways to keep them occupied atleast my FIL, and take them out to see places which is pretty hard since they dont want to budge from home. This is one of those times I miss the Bay Area. Lot of things to do, especially for them.
We are out of drinking water.
So I went to the local HEB(grocery chain in Texas) to buy drinking water. There is a glacier water fountain outside the store. I parked my car and started walking towards the machine with a couple of dollar bills in one hand and my 3 gallon can in the other. As I went near the thing suddenly something white and furry shot out from underneath the machine dragging some other thing which was dark and furry and started barking at me furiously. I got the shock of my life. Turned out they were two dogs chained together and left there by their intelligent owner who was in one of the nearby shops, blissfully unaware of my predicament.
Mr. White dog was extremely protective of Ms. Brown dog and was barking at me with much gusto while Ms. Brown dog didn't give a damn but was mildly annoyed at being dragged along for the ride. She had no choice coz they were chained together. So I beat a hasty retreat and at the same time started planning out my strategy. Should I tell my wife that i was not allowed to fetch her water by the Guardian Beasts of the Glacier? She's not going to buy that. So I stepped into the store and smiled at one of the red t-shirt clad store employees. I told her of the situation. She immediately went into battle mode. She picked up the phone and called the manager explaining the situation and then through PA system announced the kind people who left their pets near the water fountain to "kindly claim them and also retrieve their common sense from wherever they've parked it"... ha.. that would have been a perfect announcement.
So the good manager, a wise man, came out, took a look at the dogs and waited along with me a little distance away from the dogs and the glacier machine. Mr. White was keeping a wary eye on both of us and was decided tha the distance we were maintaining was ok. Then a nice lady, came rushing out who turned out to be the assistant manager of the store and before we could say a word rushed towards the dogs cooing "ooh hello doggy doggy!!". All hell broke loose. She ran back inside at double the speed with her tail between her legs and I haven't seen her since. Finally I couldn't wait any longer and went inside the store and bought a couple of gallon cans. I came out and the dogs were gone. I bet the owners were not that dumb are atleast retrieved the common sense first. That is why they hid somewhere until we all walked back inside and quietly took their dogs away when nobody was looking!

Happy Chinese New Year!!

Its been quite a while since I blogged. And the title is totally unrelated to the post.

I'm watching the perfectly white and majestic hills around Salt Lake City, UT. Its really a sight to sore eyes, all this natural beauty and blah blah blah.. but this place sucks big time, after a while.
You can visit here for a short vacation, hit the slopes, look around a little bit and go back to where you came from. To live and work here is not something you should try to do. There is absolutely nothing at all here. Technically, I'm not living here. I travel back and forth and don't get me started on that!!
Anyway, we(me and a few other colleagues) went out for lunch. We were standing in line to place our orders and there were these four pretty girls standing behind us. One look at what they were wearing and we knew they were med students. The girls started a conversation with the last guy in our team. He being the only single guy in our team was pretty excited. This is how it went.

Girl: Hi!! Where're you from?
Guy(proudly): California. Actually L.A, you know.
Girl: Hmmm.. The weather should be great over there.
Guy (warming up): Oh Yeah. Bright and sunny.
Girl: You here on vacation?
Guy(feeling pretty important, knowing we were all listening): Oh no! I'm here on business. I'm a software consultant, you know, for company.
Girl: Wow. Thats cool!!
A pause. Smiling and nodding. Girls looking at each other and smiling.
Girl: So what do you do after work?
Guy(getting bold): Well.. I'm pretty stuffed up with work for most of the day.. Are there any good bars, clubs around here? Maybe you guys give me some tips or take me around.
Girl:Well.. there are a few good places (proceeds to name a few).
If you are interested, there are some pretty good high class places but would cost a bit more, you know.
Guy(now really into it): Well, that wouldn't be a problem for me.
A pause again and more smiling and nodding.
Girl(taking a deep breath): Don't take this personally.. but, do you have your teeth cleaned regularly? Do you have dental insurance?
Guy(totally taken aback): What?!! I mean why?.. I don't. But my teeth are quite good!! I take good care of them!!
Girl: Well, we are all dental students and you can have your teeth cleaned for just $5. Its very cheap. You can bring your friends too!!! are you interested?
Rest of us: (trying very hard not to burst out laughing)
Guy(going red in the face, thinking about the miserable meal he is gonna have to sit through with the rest of us): well.. yes... no... thank you... But I'm.. I'm good... thanks. See ya.. bye.
Waitress: sir..SIR!! Can I take your order please??!!

I would say that was a very good appetizer.. atleast for the rest of us.

The Larynx...

... is an interesting part of the human body. Of course, there are other parts definitely more interesting, but for the sake of this post let's examine the larynx. God, in His infinite wisdom, has varied the performance capacity  of each individual larynx. While some produce just a feeble sound at their maximum capacity,  others can literally shatter the unfortunate ear drum that gets too close. Of the above, the latter one is the topic of this post. The larynx in question belongs to a particular Russian gentleman, who sits across me in his own cubicle at my work place. Generally the cubes at work are so designed to give the worker a semblance of privacy. True, it blocks out the view since photons, you see, are honest particles and always take the straight path. But the sound waves are devious little things which can find the narrowest of crevices and move forth to assault the next available ear drum.
This particular gentleman, under discussion, has a great tendency to discuss his professional, financial and personal details on the phone at the top of his voice and that too in a deep Russian accent. The language he uses doesn't really matter. Whether his native Russian or the heavily accented English, his larynx delivers every word clear and sharp for all to hear, blissfully unaware that the noise it is generating is a cross between a whining motor vehicle on a wrong gear and a metal prong scrapped across a blackboard.
It is also unaware that the few unfortunate souls inside the affected radius are close to a nervous breakdown every time the phone rings at its masters desk or he picks it up himself and says 'HellloooWWW??' to initiate a conversation. The noise jars the brain cells of those around and temporarily causes all activities, thought processes to stop. One can see, in the eyes of each of these persons, the craving, the desire to shut this person up by any means possible. Some, who have endured longer, have a dangerously sadistic look in their eyes, that suggests something more violent and imaginative.
It is not long before somebody loses their cool. Someone has to put an end to this in a peaceful way before someone else reacts violently which might spark an international incident involving the CIA and whatever remains of the KGB.

Blistering Barnacles

I'm generally a very soft natured guy. I've got enormous amounts of patience and take most things positively and move on. But there are certain situations that drive me into a murderous rage.
After successfully moving to the Golden State of California, my wife looked around the empty apartment and decided on the spot that she has got some serious shopping to do. You know what that implies, but you don't say a word and play long. There's furniture to buy, utensils, bedding and stuff and of course jewelry, clothing and whatever accessories which "we" come across on the shopping spree.
We hit a nearby mall first to just look around and of course "we" made a beeline for Kohls. Now if you are guessing the reason for my murderous rage... is shopping, then you are absolutely wrong.
It was something else that happened there and a few other places and continues to happen to all those poor ignorant Indian souls.
We were going about our business, looking at various items of interest. Then suddenly out of the corner of my eye, I spy a well-dressed, smart looking Indian guy, wearing rimless glasses, pushing his shopping cart toward me. He's got a jazzy looking, heavily made-up wife tagging along. I move closer towards the rack to let him pass by. But no. He ha no intention of moving on without saying a "hi" to a fellow country man.He stops right near me and does just that. Says Hi.He's got this stupid fixed smile on his face.
He just doesn't say Hi.
He says "Hiiiiii!! I'm so-and-so. Are you living in such-and-such area? We are also from around there!!"
Wait a minute. I never said I'm from that area.
Then he proceeds to shove his business card into my face which I couldn't read since it went out of focus.
Then it hits me what this guy is all about.
This is one of those guys who got themselves enrolled in some kind of network marketing stuff and are always on the lookout for unsuspecting bakras like me. They are like the birds of prey, when they see one, they swoop down and collar the prey firmly by the neck and squeeze the life out of them.
I HATE THESE GUYS!!
With all the raging emotions running amok inside me, I keep a blank expression on my face and tell him, "I'm not from around here. I'm from India". I watched his smile falter for a second since he didn't expect it. Then he recovers and the stupid fake smile is back on, he starts saying something again.
Contrary to my nature, I cut him off mid-sentence and say, "Sorry. I gotta go. I'm in a hurry." and push off without waiting for a reply. Whew, that was close!
Occasionally, I used to run into these guys when I lived in Michigan. But thankfully, Texas was devoid of vermin like these.
But in California, these guys are dime-a-dozen. They are all over the place. Indian restaurants, walmarts,macys, kohls, all major malls. Their one sole purpose in life is to pull every one they meet into the s**t they are wallowing in already. They have several pickup lines. If they see you as a couple, the wife would come and comment on your wife's salwar or earrings etc. Then the guy would join in. And soon enough, before you know it, you are staring at a glossy business card and unconciously giving out your phone number.
They don't have a life. They don't have real friends. They look at everyone as a prospective business opportunity. Sometimes I pity these guys. Its like an addiction. The pitiful part is they don't even know they are addicted and all the good things in life they miss because of this.
I've heard friends say how they avoid such friends, avoid inviting them to parties since they just can't keep their business out of any friendly social gathering and upset other people who are there to have a good time.

Nowadays, me and my wife can identify these buggers from afar and move out of their line of sight. If at all they spring up suddenly and corner me in a lonely aisle, I politely, are not so politely if its a hard nut case, tell them to shove off and find someone else, since we are late for something else.
But You know what,I'm waiting to meet my next assailant. Coz I have several "polite" shove-off lines ready for their pick up lines, that I would like to shove down their sorry throats. Yeah!

Shucks!! :(

Monday Morning. You get in your car and drive like an automaton on the regular route to your office. You take the familiar bend on the road, barely awake and right in the middle of the road is a freshly run-over animal with all its entrails spilled out. Definitely dead. Poor thing. But by the time your mind processes this information its too late and you feel the sickening bump as the wheels run over it. :(
That should definitely ruin your morning. Wait, thats not all. You go home for lunch. Take the same path back to the office. Same bend in the road, barely awake, now, because of the heavy lunch. Again its too late to react and another sickening bump, though a slightly smaller one, as a direct result of so many other wheels running over it all morning. That ruins the rest of the day.
Is there a number to which you can call in the US and get the remains cleared off the road?

shucks!! :(

All electronic items must be switched off at this time

Its quite a while since I posted something here. Life's pretty hectic. And oh yeah. I've been travelling a lot. Now last weekend I made a trip to Detroit on some work and to attend a birthday party for my friend's son. It was a 1st birthday party, so it was grand. On the day I was to fly there I remembered I had to buy a gift! Gawd, I'm bad at this. As I do for almost everything, I turned to Google for help. One link led to another and before I knew it I had decided to buy a "Laugh & Learn: Laughing Puppy" from the shop Babies'r'us. Jumped into my car and dashed to the nearest Babies'r'us and asked the attendant for the particular item. (My flight was in another 3 hours.) He somehow located one from the store room. I hurriedly packed it up, paid for it, went home took my stuff and was on the way to the airport congratulating myself on how efficient I was.

I'm at the terminal with my bags. Thought I heard my phone ringing. Took it out. No? might be somebody else's. Come on. There were a lot of people around me. And very noisy too. Somehow went through security. By this time I'd checked my phone multiple times for the mysterious call which never came through. Hmmm. Made my way to the gate and actually boarded the plane. Got into my seat. The plane is relatively less noisier you know, atleast until the flight attendant starts the blah blah blah announcements preparing you for the various Worst Case Scenarios. I was trying to squeeze my carry-on bag under the seat in front of me. At the same time the flight attendant was carrying on with "All electronic items must be switched off at this time.." There was a relative lull in the conversations and the announcements when something from inside my bag sang out "Pat a cake, Pat a cake bakers man. Bake me a cake as fast as you can".

The toy which I bought was so designed to sing various rhymes and songs when pressed at various parts of its anatomy. This over-sensitive puppy had been singing merrily whenever it got prodded and I'd failed to realize it.
I had to take it out and search for the battery which of course was discreetly and inconveniently situated. :( Thankfully I found an On/Off switch which did the trick. But the damage was done. Everyone around was smiling at my expense. Hey atleast I'm responsible for lightening people's moods in an otherwise drab life.
Glad it didn't happend while going through security.

Elevator Etiquette

Got up pretty late today. The alarm tune was so soothing, it actually lulled me to sleep again. Have to change the tune. Anyway by the time I was fully awake it was so late I had to get ready in a hurry. I jumped into my car and rushed to work. Being on time is important in my work place, especially today!! Lucky VN(my wife) was still rolling around in bed blissfully. (She switched off the alarm and went to sleep!!) :(
I parked and started a fast trot to the elevator, at the same time called up VN to let her know I reached safe and sound(This is a daily ritual). I stepped into the elevator feeling lucky that I was the only person in it and I can go point-to-point to my floor in a jiffy.Thats when the trouble started.

Floor 3. Stop. Me getting a bit annoyed.Two giggling girls get in(boy! do they take their time getting in!) and one holds her hand over the door apparently holding it open for a third girl who is still a good way off. Anyway girl 3 reaches(also giggling for no apparent reason) and she's almost in, when the first girl takes one look at the panel, turns towards me and exclaims. "Oh are you going up?". giggle."We are going down!". With that all three of them tumble out giggling crazily. I'm utterly frustrated. Cha. All this time wasted for nothing!

My woes are not over there.

Floor 4. The Janitor guy gets in slowly rolling in a large trash can.
Floor 5. Janitor guy gets out rolling out the trash can even more slowly.
My brain is screaming at me. You are late. your's is the only empty cubicle at this time. What if ur boss walks by or calls you on the phone. Its gonna be embarrassing.

Wait it gets worse.

Floor 6. Stop. Why me?!! There are 5 other elevators. Why mine?
Initially I don't see anyone. Then I could hear a lady's voice. She walked backwards towared the elevator and parked herself smack astride the door, one leg in and one leg out. Meanwhile she is talking nonstop loudly to her colleague who is standing a little way off in the corridor... discussing their shopping plans for the weekend. Inga oru manushanoda vedhanaiya purunjikama kathai adichitu irukanga.

I started a slow burn, getting really pissed off. She somehow finished her dialog said a hasty goodbye and backed into the elevator. Now is the fun part(not at that time, but now it sure feels funny). Apparently this lady has a slow processor built into her head, by nature. She was absent-minded enough not to press any buttons indicating her floor. Then the elevator started moving. All the while she was standing close to the door and had absolutely no idea there is another tortured soul sharing her ride.
She seemed to realize suddenly that she needed to push a button for her floor and her mind registered that the elevator was already moving. Only then she sensed that there's another person in there. I was already standing in the farthest corner of the elevator.She turned around and was so startled, she gave a little yelp and demanded "When did you get in? I don't remember seeing you here". Loose a ma ne? Granted i'm a bit thin and also wearing clothes with shades similar to the interior shades of the elevator. But na enna palliya? sevuthoda vottitu iruka? Ivunga paakalaiyam.

Anyway I gritted my teeth, gave a tight smile and said "You backed into the elevator, ma'am. So you didn't see me".
"Oh", was the reply. She seemed to ponder this bit of information for a moment. (Slow processor, you see)

Almost reached my floor. Elevator stops. Door is opening.
She asks, "Why didn't you tell me you were in here?". Me going ballistic #%$#$^ na enna "present madam" nu attendance a kudukkanum?!!
Thankfully elevator door closed before she could catch the expression on my face.

Update:
Nothing I feared happened at work. I wasn't really that late or I should say nobody noticed I was. :)

There are some days...

Its 3 PM. Me at work. Utterly famished. Its all my fault. Should've
had some more of that nice meal(with an overdose of love) my VN prepared for me. Too late to lament about that.
What are my options? Well, there is that vending machine down on the
sixth floor. So I pick my lazy self up and climb down to the sixth floor. There's the vending machine!
Hmmm.. what should I have today. I spend some time gawking at the burgers, sandwiches etc. Finally decide on a burger. Wait.. How 'bout some chips to go along with it.
Ha! Those crispy TGI Friday Potato skins will go along wonderfully well.. and why not a can of good ol' coke.. With these utterly important decisions made, me reaching for my
wallet..anticipating the moment I sink my teeth into the hot and juicy burger, add a crunchy salty potato skin on the side, take a swig from the cold can of coke.. oh bliss!!
Ahem.. This is were I'm jolted back to reality. I have my wallet. I do have a lot of cash in it. Those dollar bills mocking me. Got a few tens and twenties and even a large 100. But not a single measly dollar bill.Not a single quarter either. Kodumai da saami. what a bummer.
FLASH(an inspiration).. I remember I have some loose change in my cubicle locker. I dash upto my cube one floor up, rummage around and... no quarters. pennies? yes. five cents?
yes. but not a single quarter.

*^@$#$@

You should realize that by now I'm utterly desperate..
FLASH (Another inspiration). I look left and right. Sneak into my colleague's cubicle to "borrow" some quarters.(He's on vacation, you see ;) ). Dash back to the machine, drop the coins in and take a packet of potato skins out. thats all I could get for whatever change I had. :(

I walk back to my desk with my spoils. I hear a voice calling out to me. It was M, an american colleague. Talking loudly with his mouth full. (He always does that. Such an irritating habit. I'll tell you all about him in another post.)

M: Hey, Howzzit goin'?
me: Gud I guess.
M : Duude, didja scheck oudthde panthry?
me: huh?
M: Shomebodhy's b'dhay parthy, on this floor. Shtill a 'ole lotta cake
and chips lefth over there, man.
me(eyebrows raised, with a what-a-filthy-glutton-you-are look): Oh
yeah? Not for me. (varattu gowravam)
(to myself: !!@#$$^ why didnt I go there in the first place?)

With a curt nod, I walk to my cube with an air of nonchalance. After a furtive glance confirmed that M is out of range, I hurriedly sneak back to the pantry and get myself a large portion of
the goodies.
Almost reached the safety of my cube, when whom else should i meet? M of course! Surely on his way back to help himself to another portion of the stuff.
He took one look at me, cocked his head to one side.
"Changed your mind, eh?". A lopsided grin.
Me vazhinjufication and with a sheepish grin, "yeah. heh heh" and make a hurried exit.