Thursday, December 27, 2007

The aliens are back!!

I tell you, The aliens are here. Right in our midst. Hiding in every conceivable machine we have. In disguise. Trying to screw us in every possible way. They reside in cell phones, computers, ATM Machines.. and yes Vending Machines!! Those darned vending machines with rows of neatly arranged snacks / sodas, beckoning to you when you are off-guard. when your mind looks for a diversion, any diversion, from the monotonous monitor-staring, mouse-clicking, keyboard-tapping work.
Now wait a minute, why am I yapping about aliens and vending machines? Overdose of MIB, you might think.
Let me explain. Here I was in front of the vending machine with my carefully collected fistful of coins.I should probably tell you here that this particular machine is so designed that when you put the coins or dollar bills in and press a alpha numeric code, the snack corresponding to the code will slide out and fall to the bottom of the machine. You have to reach down, push the little door open and get your stuff.
To get back to the story, I had a lot of small change so I decided to get rid of them. I carefully counted and dropped five and ten cent coins into the slot. The display showed me I had the right amount.Then again so carefully I pressed C7.(That is the snack I needed). I was in one of those gluttonous moods. I wanted to grab the bag, tear it open and gorge its contents immediately.The aliens residing in the machine learnt this piece of information by intercepting my strong brain waves.(I arrived at this conclusion later, as a result of serious retrospection).I saw the bag starting to slide down towards the edge of its row. As it was about to fall down I opened the little door below to pick it up as soon as it fell down. Wham! The sliding stopped and the bag of snacks, MY DELICIOUS CRUNCHY BAG OF SNACKS, was forcefully detained from joining its rightful owner, who had infact purchased it for a grand sum of 45 cents. 45 hard-earned cents shedding blood and sweat.(err... Overdid that a bit)! This is not fair at all!
I knew then and there it was the darned aliens. They had stopped the snack bag from falling down!!. They were probably laughing at the look of incredulity on my face. Those ugly buggers.
To top it all, they displayed a message on the little digital screen, "Have a nice day!".
There, I have told you. Have got it off my chest. My duty is done. They are there. Be Warned.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Elevator Etiquette

Got up pretty late today. The alarm tune was so soothing, it actually lulled me to sleep again. Have to change the tune. Anyway by the time I was fully awake it was so late I had to get ready in a hurry. I jumped into my car and rushed to work. Being on time is important in my work place, especially today!! Lucky VN(my wife) was still rolling around in bed blissfully. (She switched off the alarm and went to sleep!!) :(
I parked and started a fast trot to the elevator, at the same time called up VN to let her know I reached safe and sound(This is a daily ritual). I stepped into the elevator feeling lucky that I was the only person in it and I can go point-to-point to my floor in a jiffy.Thats when the trouble started.

Floor 3. Stop. Me getting a bit annoyed.Two giggling girls get in(boy! do they take their time getting in!) and one holds her hand over the door apparently holding it open for a third girl who is still a good way off. Anyway girl 3 reaches(also giggling for no apparent reason) and she's almost in, when the first girl takes one look at the panel, turns towards me and exclaims. "Oh are you going up?". giggle."We are going down!". With that all three of them tumble out giggling crazily. I'm utterly frustrated. Cha. All this time wasted for nothing!

My woes are not over there.

Floor 4. The Janitor guy gets in slowly rolling in a large trash can.
Floor 5. Janitor guy gets out rolling out the trash can even more slowly.
My brain is screaming at me. You are late. your's is the only empty cubicle at this time. What if ur boss walks by or calls you on the phone. Its gonna be embarrassing.

Wait it gets worse.

Floor 6. Stop. Why me?!! There are 5 other elevators. Why mine?
Initially I don't see anyone. Then I could hear a lady's voice. She walked backwards towared the elevator and parked herself smack astride the door, one leg in and one leg out. Meanwhile she is talking nonstop loudly to her colleague who is standing a little way off in the corridor... discussing their shopping plans for the weekend. Inga oru manushanoda vedhanaiya purunjikama kathai adichitu irukanga.

I started a slow burn, getting really pissed off. She somehow finished her dialog said a hasty goodbye and backed into the elevator. Now is the fun part(not at that time, but now it sure feels funny). Apparently this lady has a slow processor built into her head, by nature. She was absent-minded enough not to press any buttons indicating her floor. Then the elevator started moving. All the while she was standing close to the door and had absolutely no idea there is another tortured soul sharing her ride.
She seemed to realize suddenly that she needed to push a button for her floor and her mind registered that the elevator was already moving. Only then she sensed that there's another person in there. I was already standing in the farthest corner of the elevator.She turned around and was so startled, she gave a little yelp and demanded "When did you get in? I don't remember seeing you here". Loose a ma ne? Granted i'm a bit thin and also wearing clothes with shades similar to the interior shades of the elevator. But na enna palliya? sevuthoda vottitu iruka? Ivunga paakalaiyam.

Anyway I gritted my teeth, gave a tight smile and said "You backed into the elevator, ma'am. So you didn't see me".
"Oh", was the reply. She seemed to ponder this bit of information for a moment. (Slow processor, you see)

Almost reached my floor. Elevator stops. Door is opening.
She asks, "Why didn't you tell me you were in here?". Me going ballistic #%$#$^ na enna "present madam" nu attendance a kudukkanum?!!
Thankfully elevator door closed before she could catch the expression on my face.

Update:
Nothing I feared happened at work. I wasn't really that late or I should say nobody noticed I was. :)

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

There are some days...

Its 3 PM. Me at work. Utterly famished. Its all my fault. Should've
had some more of that nice meal(with an overdose of love) my VN prepared for me. Too late to lament about that.
What are my options? Well, there is that vending machine down on the
sixth floor. So I pick my lazy self up and climb down to the sixth floor. There's the vending machine!
Hmmm.. what should I have today. I spend some time gawking at the burgers, sandwiches etc. Finally decide on a burger. Wait.. How 'bout some chips to go along with it.
Ha! Those crispy TGI Friday Potato skins will go along wonderfully well.. and why not a can of good ol' coke.. With these utterly important decisions made, me reaching for my
wallet..anticipating the moment I sink my teeth into the hot and juicy burger, add a crunchy salty potato skin on the side, take a swig from the cold can of coke.. oh bliss!!
Ahem.. This is were I'm jolted back to reality. I have my wallet. I do have a lot of cash in it. Those dollar bills mocking me. Got a few tens and twenties and even a large 100. But not a single measly dollar bill.Not a single quarter either. Kodumai da saami. what a bummer.
FLASH(an inspiration).. I remember I have some loose change in my cubicle locker. I dash upto my cube one floor up, rummage around and... no quarters. pennies? yes. five cents?
yes. but not a single quarter.

*^@$#$@

You should realize that by now I'm utterly desperate..
FLASH (Another inspiration). I look left and right. Sneak into my colleague's cubicle to "borrow" some quarters.(He's on vacation, you see ;) ). Dash back to the machine, drop the coins in and take a packet of potato skins out. thats all I could get for whatever change I had. :(

I walk back to my desk with my spoils. I hear a voice calling out to me. It was M, an american colleague. Talking loudly with his mouth full. (He always does that. Such an irritating habit. I'll tell you all about him in another post.)

M: Hey, Howzzit goin'?
me: Gud I guess.
M : Duude, didja scheck oudthde panthry?
me: huh?
M: Shomebodhy's b'dhay parthy, on this floor. Shtill a 'ole lotta cake
and chips lefth over there, man.
me(eyebrows raised, with a what-a-filthy-glutton-you-are look): Oh
yeah? Not for me. (varattu gowravam)
(to myself: !!@#$$^ why didnt I go there in the first place?)

With a curt nod, I walk to my cube with an air of nonchalance. After a furtive glance confirmed that M is out of range, I hurriedly sneak back to the pantry and get myself a large portion of
the goodies.
Almost reached the safety of my cube, when whom else should i meet? M of course! Surely on his way back to help himself to another portion of the stuff.
He took one look at me, cocked his head to one side.
"Changed your mind, eh?". A lopsided grin.
Me vazhinjufication and with a sheepish grin, "yeah. heh heh" and make a hurried exit.

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